Contemplating (Too Much)

Hits
a bit too close to home
emotional discomfort
but I'm confused

What emotion is this?
Its so profound
So strong.
So....
RAW

Its red
but its blue
smokey grey
Inbetween.
Hazy looking,
If you asked me.

There's a thought stuck on the forefront of my mind
And its causing a war in there.
Part of me is fighting to get it out,
Part of me is fighting to resolve it,
All of me just wants to know...

What if...?
Would it..?
Is it...?

(Who knew one little thought could cause all this)

of late they haunt me
and i welcome the torture
i play, with them
, sit and smile
the pretense of friendship
i am no innocent
oh lord knows im not
the haunting
the daunting
the nightmares
-disguised as dreams
i welcome them with open arms

the candle light low
the clothes, what clothes?
lens, off
sheets on
the music,
the shyness; blush
thats all gone
and the woman comes out to play

i see:
sheets
skin
a nightstand cradling a camera to sleep,
this shall be done in chalk
but its much more that that
we need something bold
because
this,
this is an eruption of souls

oil pastels maybe
nice and slick
thick
bold and daring
bright
beautiful
majestic

Complete.

Picasso in our stars
We're swimming off to Mars
Float away with me
Flotsam one day we'll be
"Together" in our hearts

We're the fault among our stars
Breathe anew in me
One day you will see
That I'm no longer a girl
But a woman actually
Michelangelo's Venus
This is no longer between us.

Me.
You.
Far apart .
Yet few can read in-between our lines
I'm too blind to see the lies
Words too became unsaid,
Our stories became unread,
Our kisses became undone,
Our songs became unsung,
As for words,
Just one,
"Love"

Am I?

I sat and watched
As they came and went
And intermissions of me
Because I'm always
A safe-haven
I'm permanent
Too permanent
And its painful.
I need something permanent
My life never really had much stability
  -even though the old man tries
   but he cant be everybody

Lets save that story for another rainy day shall we.

It a repetition every time
And every time the intermissions breaks
I say the mantra
"I will learn to walk"
Away that is.

But I'm needed.
Am I not?
Am I?

And the storm begins in my head
Trying to find the answer
To one question

Am I?

Yet the Cycle remains the same.

mama Nchi

The beat! the beat!
Of the African drums
Soul beat! Heart beat!
That soft, steady hum
The Motherland calls
"KUJA NYUMBANI MTOTO WANGU!
To yuh Mama, to yuh Africa
to my sweet sweet soil"
Sweet mama Oh Africa
I shall return home
Marching to Zion
to that beautiful song.

(The phrase in in Swahili and translates to "come home my child")

Anima Contrita

She was a girl who knew not how to speak

She wore that smile

That million dollar smile

To mask the fact that she could not ask for help

She didn't know how

She carried the heavens on her shoulder

With the strength of Atlas.

But the burn in her heart

-that void place in her chest,

Where she so badly wanted to feel

Loved.

Was more painful than when Orpheus looked back at Eurydice, and lost her forever.

And one day she broke.

And the heavens met the Earth.

And two new rivers were formed from her tears

And she was no more

She Broke. 

Solitude

The urge to be here
is strong
the lone one
..
solitude, whispers my name,
emotions and thoughts,
overflowing like a waterfall.
beautiful to those who admire
painful to those who jump.
i jumped

Dance for you(until a better name idea comes along)

It starts with frustration

one more hidden than the other.

Cures?

In the words of Gong

“Some good good lovin’”

That was easy to source.

Fantasies-

Brought to life.

The Miss and the Sir,

The wagon was jumped, filled to capacity

Yeses were said.

And corruptions were promised…

-yet-

A sensual lick of the stamp..

The package

Ready for delivery

A very depraved package.

Very depraved indeed

The devil himself was impressed.

The only question that stood in the way was

“Which room?”

Selfishness was allowed

And all hell broke loose.

Years in the making

Finally connected

Mind, body, soul, and so much more.

Ecstasy,

Moans,

Screams –Yes! Please.Don’t.Stop.

I’ll let you in..ties..permanent? temporary?

Two became one.

One skin.

Slick and perfectly sweaty.

Pants of release.

Marks left on each of the other.

Owned.

It’s been a long time coming…

And thoughts became actions.

HIT THE LIGHTS!

…and action.

Subtle fantasy

They’re always there

Forcing themselves to the forefront of my mind

Regardless of how hard I fight to keep them away

These thoughts

Of being touched,

Being held

Being loved..

skin on skin.

Lips,

tasting the sighs of beautiful satisfaction

Sweet mesmerizing caresses.

A merger,

two halves, one soul.

Thoughts of entwined limbs, and the discarded floor fetched fabrics of this world

This world that we have so far surpassed,

For we have entered a new plane of life.

These daunting thoughts

Haunt my every moment,

whether awake or asleep,

they ghost their ways into me.

Making me so far gone.

Its your move.

Checkmate.

...and the search continues

So I sit on the wall and wait, you see

For what? I’m not completely sure.

But its something that brings happiness

Yes

That’s what I want,

Happiness

But I don’t know what happiness is..

Is it true love

Succulent lips devouring mine..

Softly Calloused hands travelling under fabric..up up up..skin on skin..giving me that high?

Or is it emotional?

Joy, tears overflowed, I bit of sadness..

Is ‘Happiness’ the giving of one’s self?

Completely,

without remorse,

body, soul and all,

whatever the cause?

Unsure of whatever it may be,

I’m tired of waiting, of sitting,

So I’ll get up and brush myself off,

Take a deep breath and begin my journey of a thousand miles

Because ,

No-one will do it for me.

Loss

She collapsed and wept, feeling the loss of him so poignantly that it was almost like he was hers. But he wasn't. She'd never had him, not really. She'd just borrowed him.

(untitled)

Summer

Sweet succulent summer

Of stolen kisses

And melting hearts,

Blazing sunsets

Held hands

And the faint scent of sex

Dripping bodies

That yell to one another

The smirk

Of a tease,

That play beneath the sheets

And "true false summer love"

...........

And the person

Who waits patiently

For

The miracle of love

But "faint heart never won fair lady"

Or in this case

"He aint gonna love you if you playin' sweet honey"

So throw on that sex appeal

And show some skin

Because they dont start liking you

From what shining within

WHAT WILL YOUR EULOGY BE/ THE TRUTH

If I were dead
What would people write about me?
That I was a beautiful girl, with a warming smile,
Who wanted to change the world.
She was strong willed and had perseverance?
She was a happy young woman?
LIES.
They don’t even know half of it.
Beauty is only skin deep-
It is just a façade that hides the horrors underneath.
The TRUTH.
I am a caged animal,
Waiting to be released.
To run away from my past, the pain
And who I was before.
Me,
I don’t want to change the world,
Not anymore.
Too many have tied and died in vain.
That’s just not my job to do again.
Sounds a bit defeatist doesn’t it?
I don’t know why people chose
When you’re dead to suck up to you
Kind of pointless isn’t it?
When you’re blind, deaf and no longer living
Is when it matters the most.
(Oh how ‘ironical’ (lol))
The irony.

Volcano

I am in a stupor
A mess
A very sticky mess
I feel stuck
Can’t move
In any direction
TRAPPED.
I am about to erupt
Feel the pressure building?
I’m about to snap
Soon.
How?
That, I cannot answer.
Anger is more prominent this time around.
How to vent?
I do not know
No way of letting it out otherwise.
No-one to speak to
Nothing to hit
No voice to scream
It’s growing.
Anxiety.
Pressure.
Pain.
Hatred.
All boiling somewhere deep within.
Can you feel the pressure I radiate?
Step back.
Go away.
But yet I want someone to get hurt
I have to let it out…
Now watch my horrific fireworks
As I
EXPLODE .

I lost myself

Some between religion and free spirits

I lost myself

My friends have stayed true and have helped in ways they can.

But

Here I am

Unaware of what I think

How I feel

Just... nodding and going along

I guess I’ve become a sponge

Soaking up everyone else and quickly squeezing every drop of myself away.

My Messed Up Emotions

They are a part of my being.
Personally I find them dark, twisted.
Yet I don’t want to part with them.
Not that I could if I wanted to.
Because of them...
I have fantasized,
Things have materialized in my mind.
They drive me crazy
But keep me sane.
They keep that spark of belief
for that thing we all want...
that is so hard to attain...
That alien
Called ‘Love’.
It must be alien,
It’s not from this world.
They give me the ability to understand its foreign language.
-making me a bit alien too.
They are the reason I have survived
Through the tough relationships.
They became that person I needed when he wasn’t.
They comfort me
And stitch my heart back up.
Me and them.
They and me.
The Messed Up Emotions Of A Messed Up giRl.

Indefinate

We cant change it
It'll always be like this...
Well thats what I pray anyways...
I dont know if youd want to change it...
So I'm simply asking...
Would you change it?
This bond that we have...
So beautiful...
So heartbreaking...
So twisted...
It is
Indefinate.

Dont do it

Don't do it.
Don’t use your charm...
Don’t be all suave and silky
-because you know I like it… love it actually...
Don’t use your words
-because you know I find them soul wrenching…
Don’t dare use your eyes
-because you know I find them irresistible…
Don’t speak
-because you know it traps me…
And don’t smile
-because you know it melts me…
Don’t exist
-because you know it kills me.

Don’t you get it?
I’m trying to get over you…
But that’s impossible isn’t it?
It can’t be helped…
It’s just the cruel twist of destiny.

Fantasy world

I’m living in a fantasy world…
And want things that either are nonexistent or aren’t available to me…
I’m doing this to myself...
And I don’t know why…
I’m just putting myself through hell.
It gets me through the hard times I guess…
It’s the least I can do for myself really…
Pretending keeps the pain of the real world away…
Don’t get it twisted.
I like facing the pain of the real world…
When I’m strong…
It keeps me grounded
and real.
It shows me that we’re all equal...

Even though I don’t exist in this reality at times…
I know I’m not the only one.

Overdose

I'm getting in over my head now.
As usual your getting me drunk.
My very own personal brand of vodka.
-how lovely.
I was told to take sips
but I'm taking gulps.
Control
- I have none.
Take note...
-this is what you do to me...

I'm losing myself
and I want to get lost.
-in you that is.
I swear I have the dosage wrong.
I'm losing my line of vision, my frame of mind

I'm only seeing you right now...
Thinking you right now...
I'll just enjoy it while it lasts
Because I know...
You know...
It wont last long.

juliet let down your hair!

This is for J... the  Romeo-Juliet/Rapunzel thing got me thinking...

LOL.

Enjoy

<3

The end is near...

You say you want me
that's just the lust speaking.
The woman at the bar turned you on....
I don't deserve this.
I'm just a day away from being a year away from womanhood
I'm legal in some ways
and could have given you what wanted if I wanted to a long time ago
...IF...
but I'm not like that and you know that
but what you don't know is
I don't want this anymore
I think the end is near.

I'm sorry....

I gave you everything

My heart, my soul

So I just thought you would do the same. Maybe I thought that you

Owed it to me. Maybe. But what are my chances of being

Right?  Just

Remember that it was

You I gave my heart to. Not anyone else.

Hate

Have you ever had the worst possible day ever?

And nothing would suffice

To everything you gave out, but got nothing in return. When that person shattered

Everything you thought mattered?

anger...

The anger that pours through my veins is not my own.

We are not born in anger...

It is acquired...

From life experiences...

From pain...

From love...

From heartbreak...

Can't do better...

We talk

And you tell

Of the things that I really don’t usually condone

But I make an exception

Just for you

And sadly

It disgusts me when this is done

Because

I know you can do better

And...

You can

But

You just can’t.

I wanted you to want me

I

 Have known you for almost a forever. In the start of it all, my young heart somersaulted every time you      came around. My cheeks, flushed. Waiting on you to notice me, wanting you to, but shying away when you did.

In my naive state, I yearned for you,

Wanted

you. I guess I became somewhat stalkative (if that’s even a word), sad to say.

You

Were close by, I watched you out of the corner of my eye. If you acknowledged my presence, the blood that was rushing

To

my head was accelerated. A total rush.

I loved it.

The day that I got all 100% of your attention, I’ll never forget, was one of the most wonderful days of my life. The silk of your voice and the depth of your eyes. It’s something I’ll

Want

for the rest of my life.

Somehow, in that department, I feel devoid of all those things you had let

Me

Feel. And I have yet to meet someone that makes me feel as you did

Love lost

Let’s hold hands and jump into the ocean,

and swim away into the forever

because I was your first love

and you mine.

Or so I thought.

And the water starts to burn and your hold on me loosens,

And the waves turn to fire and I start to burn.

I search for you...

And find you...

And in the flames I freeze as my heart turns to ash...

Because in burning in the fire

While you’re jumping into the ocean

With someone else.

(untitled)

We’ve been through so much

And yet you still can’t see the tears

That spilt from my cracked worn and broken heart.

You do give some of your time to me,

well what’s left of it anyways

like I am some dog begging for leftover scraps from your feast.

It felt so good when you were on the receiving end of this pain,

I thought, maybe finally you could what I’ve been through.

How stupid and naive I was,

I fell for you yet again. And you used the ultimate weapon on me – saying that we both felt the same way, conflicted and in love.

But while I spit my beans everywhere, you kept your mouth shut. Keeping the ‘her’ you’re with now.

Or maybe you haven’t said anything because I’m the one you’re lying to. (Sigh*)

I’ll kick myself for this one day, soon I suppose.

These are the poems I’m good at, the ones with pain and ache and hurt.

To you they are my words...

To me they are our story.